​We all face them – the final goodbyes to loved ones. Almost a year ago, my dad passed away. Now, my mom is preparing for the same journey. Tears come easily these days and with those tears, memories.

I hadn’t expected to travel back to my childhood while watching mom take her leave, but scenes have resurrected drawing me through the years, to exchanges between mom and me. One such scene follows...

I was about 5 or 6 years old and was helping mom with the wash. We had a Maytag wringer washer outside in the shed. She was busy with the fifth baby and asked me to wring the clothes and hang them on the line.

All was fine - until my hair got caught in the rollers.

     “Do you remember that day, Mom?”

     “Oh yes, I remember. I was feeding your brother when you screamed. I laid him on the floor and ran out to see what was the matter.”

     “I was so scared, mom. I couldn’t move; my head was against the washing machine.”

     “I know, your hair was entangled in the rollers. When I got to you, I immediately pulled the plug and unscrewed the roller cover to release the pins. I was scared too, Gwen. It could have been much worse.”

Mom glanced at the floor as a tear rolled from her eye.

     “I did the best I could,” she whispered.

     “Mom, you gave each of us so much. Look at us now, the seven of us, we’re doing well. You taught us how.”

     “Well, I want you to know that I tried. I realize now how much I depended on you, even when you were little.”

     I smiled and said, “I think that’s why I became a school administrator, mom. I didn’t need any training to do that job.”

Mom giggled, and in that instant, I saw her as a little child and me as her mother.

     “Rest now, okay? I love you very much and am so grateful for all that you’ve done for me and everyone else.”

Mom closed her eyes, and I quietly wept.

​Soon, I will be saying my final goodbye.  

by Gwendolyn M Plano

                                                           LIVE OR DIE
                                                       by Harmony Kent
 
     Sometimes, you need to accept help. Sometimes, you need to admit that you need it. Sometimes, you need to take the hand that’s offered. You reached out and took my arm. I let you. I took the assistance I needed. I gripped your hand so that you could pull me to my feet. The last thing I needed was for you to slit my wrists. So much blood. All that carnage. My heart ripped right out of my chest.
     I did my best.
​     Though, what kind of an epitaph is that?
     Do I want that immortalised on my headstone?
     Does that adequately sum up a life?
     What about all the rest?
     At the end of the day, what’s left to show for all that struggle, all that pain?
     Right now, only one thing remains certain, that things can never be the same. That river? Already crossed. That road? Already travelled. That life? Already lived.
     No going back. Not ever.
     Going forward, though? Now, there’s the question.
     For this gal, only one choice remains. Live or die?
 
     Sometimes, you need to accept help. Once bitten, twice shy and all that, though, ya know? Truth be told, I’ve come to the end. Like I said, no going back. The rub is that I can’t go on either. The wind whips my hair into my face and throws cold pellets of rain at me. I shiver and dig deep for the courage. Never did like heights, yet here I stand. To jump or not to jump? That is the question.
     The darkness wraps around me and locks the breath in my lungs and my feet in place—leaves me perched here in a daze. The metal burns cold within my death grip. With pulse racing, I edge my left foot forward a couple of centimetres, and then bring the right one up level. Perforce, I have to let go of the steel girders now. I’ve taken a step too far. Sweat breaks free from every pore and soaks this trembling mass of flesh, muscle, and sinew. With a heart this broken, how does it even continue on?
     ‘Miss? Are you okay? … Miss?’
     At the unexpected voice, I twist and startle. A man reaches for me, indistinct in the arc-sodium lights.
     ‘Miss? Here, take my hand.’
     A sudden gust buffets me from behind, and I stumble forward, a scream frozen in my terrified throat. All of a sudden, it hits me, I don’t want to die. Too late, however, as I’m off balance and too close to the edge. Dimly, as I fall, I see that it’s not about living or dying but about having the choice. It seems the wind has finished your job for you. Limp and spent, I plummet to the waiting river below, which sends up cold plumes of spray and waves like open arms welcoming me in and under to die beneath.
 
     Sometimes, you need to admit that you need it. At the first swallow of brackish water, I swallow my pride, and every molecule of this being cries out for help. I should have grabbed his hand. Should have, but could I have? Would I have if given the chance? More ice-cold water pours into my throat and drowns my lungs. All the philosophising ceases as it becomes a fight for life. The cold pierces and stabs like a knife.
     Tired and afraid, and no longer quite so numb, I kick, searching for the surface. Already, my limbs have gone stiff. The pressure in my chest has grown unbearable, and I have to take a breath, even though I know it will mean certain death. I just can’t do it. Can’t hold it all in anymore. Bubbles erupt when the life-giving air breaks free of my now open lips.
     They show me the way when they float up, up, and up.
     For a second, I hesitate. Do I go for it or not? Here is my chance for total surrender. To not have to fight any further. Do I have the energy? The will? At the end of the day, what’s left to show for all that struggle, all that pain?
     I did my best, but I don’t want that on my epitaph.
     My legs kick and arms stroke, pushing through the murk and trying for air. With this exhaustion and cold, I doubt I’ll get there. By now, the bubbles have long gone, but I’ve come near enough to discern the orange city glow. Not far now. One more kick. One more. That’s it. Just one more.
 
     Sometimes, you need to take the hand that’s offered. I come to, afloat on my back, and the icy waves provide my waterbed. Way up high, atop the bridge, come the blues-and-twos, as the emergency services rush to the scene of my demise. Don’t they realise that I’ve fallen too far from reach? Beyond any assistance or redemption.
     It seems as if hours pass me by while I drift in and out and upon. This time, a deafening roar causes me to rouse. A shadow flies through the sky, trailing a bright beam. The search is on. These arctic temperatures have other ideas—so much so that I’ve begun to feel warm. A bad sign. Sleepy too.
     Impossibly white light hits me and burns my eyes. I raise a hand to cover them and, immediately, lose my buoyancy and sink back into the dark. The search light now glows dimly above the water. Too tired, too cold, too done to even try and fight, I let the river have its way.
     The universe has other ideas, it seems, and once again, I lose the choice. Strong hands grip my armpits and haul me upward. To the artificially lit night and the cold and the air and the despair. Oh, love, what did you do to me? So much blood. All that carnage. All those lies and abuse. What’s the use?
 
     You reached out and took my arm. It all unfolded in a blur and strobe-like snapshots—the winch into the helicopter, the medi-flight, and them getting me here. Trouble is, I think they left my heart there.
     A nurse bustles into the private room and pulls apart the drapes. ‘Time to let in some light,’ she says. Oh, how wrong could she be? The last thing I want to do is see. Right now, only one thing remains certain, that things can never be the same. I want to stay in the dark; hide from my shame.
     ‘You have a visitor.’ Her voice sounds far too bubbly. It hurts. ‘The police officer who tried to help on the bridge.’ A shadow crosses her face. Then she gets busy tidying the bedding and then me. ‘I’ll just go and show him in.’ Once again, I don’t get a choice. No time to find my voice.
     The door opens slowly, and I lay with baited breath. A young man eases in, dark hair and chocolate eyes, with a smile that feels like the most glorious sunrise. ‘May I?’
     His question gives me pause. Never before did anyone ask my permission. Dumbstruck, I give a mere nod. My visitor edges to the bed and takes a seat on the hard plastic chair that the nurse placed there. We sit in silence for a while, and then his eyes find my scars. So many. Clouds snuff out that beautiful dawn and darken his face.
     Now, he’ll make his excuses and take his leave. He’s done his bit. But no. Instead, he takes my hand. Looks into my eyes. Somewhere from the edges, I register that he doesn’t have on his uniform. ‘It’s okay,’ he tells me, fingers rubbing mine. ‘You’re safe now. We’ll make this right.’
     Uninvited, a sob brings the elephant right into the room. ‘No one can,’ I croak.
     ‘It’s okay. He won’t hurt you again.’
     ‘You know who I am?’
     He nods, gives my hand a squeeze. ‘We know everything.’
     All I want to do is shrivel up and crawl within.
     With both hands, he reaches out and takes my arms. I let him. He seems an angel in human form, and I feel safe within his embrace. Into my hair, he whispers, ‘It’s okay. I’ve got you. I got you now.’
     Can I take the leap of faith?
     Now, there’s the question.
     Live or die?

Harmony Kent RWISA Author Page

​                                     THE LEGEND OF TOKYO ROSE
                        
It was the summer of 1941 and for a young California woman named Iva Toguri it was a time filled with promise and endless possibilities.
 
The previous June Iva had graduated from UCLA with a bachelor's degree in zoology, she had a shiny Chrysler, and she was planning on attending graduate school in the fall so she could begin a career as a medical researcher or perhaps even a doctor.  
 
The daughter of hardworking Japanese immigrants, Iva had been brought up to be a confident, optimistic American. And why not? After all, she was born in Los Angeles on the 4th of July--and you can't get more American than that.
 
But in the summer of 1941 the world was not a place that could easily match the hopes and expectations of a 25-year-old UCLA graduate.
 
In Europe, a war was raging and the forces of Adolf Hitler's Third Reich occupied or controlled most of the continent. In Asia, Imperial Japan, under the leadership of a clique of hardcore militarists, was in control of China, the Korean Peninsula, Taiwan and a segment of the South Seas ceded to it after World War I.
 
Conflict and discord were the prevailing truths of the day, and as Iva Toguri stood on the brink of her future an ominous cloud of world war hung in the warm summer air. 
 
Thus it was not without some trepidation that Toguri's ailing mother asked Iva to represent the American side of the Toguri family at the bedside of a dying aunt in Tokyo. It was a bit risky, but someone had to go; and on July 5, 1941, one day after her 25th birthday, Iva was on a slow boat to Japan. She spoke no Japanese, had never been to Japan and had never met her aunt.
 
It would be a fateful journey, one that would alter Iva Toguri's life forever and eventually introduce to the world one of its most enduring and erroneous myths: The Legend of “Tokyo Rose.”
 
Less than five months after arriving in Japan and not long after her sick aunt had recovered, Japanese warplanes swooped down on a place called Pearl Harbor. For Iva Toguri and millions of others, the future went from bright to black in a matter of moments. And the lights would not come back on until August 1945, when Japan surrendered.
 
But for Iva Toguri, the war did not end in 1945 as it did for so many others. Four years later Iva Toguri would stand in a San Francisco courtroom, one of only a few American women ever convicted of treason. In the minds of millions of Americans Iva Toguri was the one and only "Tokyo Rose," the name American GIs in the Pacific had given to several women radio announcers who played scratchy Glenn Miller and Benny Goodman records during propaganda radio shows broadcast in English from Tokyo and elsewhere in Asia.
 
Iva’s conviction on just one of eight counts of treason came despite the testimony of G.I.s who called the Radio Tokyo "Zero Hour" broadcasts she made morale boosters and despite evidence which showed she was just one of 13 English-speaking women announcers broadcasting from Tokyo at the time. Another 14 women had broadcast from cities throughout Asia and the Pacific that were occupied by the Imperial Japanese Army.  Interestingly, not one of them called herself “Tokyo Rose.”  (The only radio alias Iva Toguri ever used during her 15-minute segment of popular music was the name "Orphan Ann" because, as she often said during her broadcasts, she was an announcer who had been orphaned in Tokyo by the war.)
 
Not even the absence of a written record or an electronic recording of the single "treasonous" broadcast she was supposed to have made stopped her conviction. That broadcast came after a crushing U.S. Naval victory in Leyte Gulf of the Philippines in which she allegedly said:
    
"Orphans of the Pacific, you really are orphans now. How will you get home now that all your ships are sunk?"
 
Most Americans listening to that would have seen through the facetious tone of those words, no matter who said them, and understood that it was a broadcast meant more for members of the defeated Imperial Japanese Navy than for the victorious U.S. Navy. Even more important, however, was the fact that Iva never said those words.
 
Nevertheless, in 1949 in a San Francisco Federal courtroom as she, her family and her corps of defense attorneys led by the late Wayne Mortimer Collins looked on, Iva was sentenced to 10 years in prison and a $10,000 fine. She served six years and two months of her sentence in the Alderson Federal Reformatory in West Virginia which would much later house Martha Stewart. But more importantly her conviction sentenced Iva Toguri to a life of disgrace and deep inner pain that only those falsely accused and convicted can ever understand.
 
Some vindication came in a series of exclusive stories I reported and wrote in 1976 while serving as the Chicago Tribune's Tokyo Bureau Chief and Chief Asia Correspondent.
 
Two key prosecution witnesses, after 27 years of silence, wanted to ease their consciences. They admitted to me that they were forced by U.S. Justice Department and FBI officials to lie, tell half-truths and withhold vital information at the trial. It was on the basis of their coerced and false testimony that the jury had found Iva guilty. (Article 3 of the Constitution states that treason shall consist only in levying war against the United States or in giving aid and comfort to its enemies and that conviction may be had only on the testimony of two witnesses to the same overt act or on confession in open court).
 
The two witnesses, Kenkichi Oki and George Mitsushio—both California-born Japanese-Americans—were Iva's superiors on Radio Tokyo's "Zero Hour" radio program. Oki was the show's production manager and Mitsushio was program director. Oki and Mitsushio testified they had heard Iva make the so-called "Orphans of the Pacific" broadcast about Leyte Gulf in October 1944 when in fact she never did.  
 
The "Zero Hour" was produced under coercion by Allied prisoners of war, and while the Imperial Japanese government saw it as a way to broadcast propaganda to American GIs fighting in the Pacific, the POWs and Iva saw it as a way to sabotage the Japanese war effort.
 
That's the way the occupation forces of Gen. Douglas MacArthur saw it too when on April 17, 1946, following 11 months of Iva's incarceration in Tokyo's Sugamo prison along with such Class A Japanese war criminals as former Prime Minister Hideki Tojo, the U.S. Army Legal Section issued the following report:
 
"There is no evidence that Iva Toguri ever broadcast greetings to units by name and location, or predicted military movements or attacks, indicating access to secret military information and plans."
 
Then, in October 1946 a U.S. Justice Department investigation of Iva concluded:
 
"Iva Toguri's activities, particularly in view of the innocuous nature of her broadcasts, are not sufficient to warrant prosecution for treason."
 
It was obvious that the U.S. authorities in Tokyo were willing to let bygones be bygones. And they were willing to accept the reasons for Iva Toguri's voluntary participation in the Zero Hour show: that like most of the 10,000 Japanese-Americans stranded in Tokyo during the war, she had taken the job to sustain herself while she was basically a hostage in a hostile environment.
 
Furthermore, she had been assured by the American and Australian POWs who wrote the scripts she read, that she was doing nothing unpatriotic--and indeed that what they were doing might even help the allied war effort.
 
That was especially important to Iva, because unlike all the other Japanese-Americans who participated in the Zero Hour broadcasts, she had steadfastly refused to give up her American citizenship, despite being threatened and pushed to do so by Imperial Japan's dreaded "kempeitai" secret police. In fact, her pro-American sentiments often got her into arguments with Japanese members of the Zero Hour staff. On several occasions she risked arrest and even death to smuggle food and medical supplies to Allied POW’s in Tokyo.
    
In 1948, Iva petitioned to return to the United States and Chicago, where her family had resettled following the war.
 
When word leaked out that the notorious "Tokyo Rose" was trying to reenter the United States, much of the U.S. press took exception. Radio columnist Walter Winchell unleashed a series of broadcasts attacking then U.S. Atty. Gen. Tom Clark for "laxness" in dealing with "Tokyo Rose." Pressure steadily built on the Truman administration to "make an example" of somebody. That "somebody" was to be Iva Toguri.
 
         It made no difference that Iva Toguri bore no resemblance in appearance or deed to the fictitious and seductive Oriental woman American G.I.s fantasized about while sitting in their jungle foxholes. Nor did the fact that U.S. Occupation forces already had investigated Iva and cleared her of any activity that could be construed as treasonous.
 
It was an election year and the administration of President Harry S Truman could not afford to be seen as being soft on alleged wartime spies and turncoats. Atty. Gen. Clark dispatched investigators to Tokyo to look into the Tokyo Rose case. They found that Iva Toguri was the only person associated with the "Zero Hour" show who was still an American citizen and hence, still subject to U.S. law. So Clark began to build a case against Iva and told justice department attorney Tom de Wolfe to "prosecute it vigorously."
 
In 1945 Iva had married Filipe J. d'Aquino, who was born in Yokohama of a Portuguese father and a Japanese mother. In 1948 the couple's child, who Iva desperately wanted to be born in the United States, died at birth. The two remained together until her conviction and then, following decades of forced separation, they divorced in 1980. After Iva's release from prison, she could not get a U.S. passport to travel and d'Aquino, while in San Francisco for the trial, had been told by the FBI never to return to the United States, "or else."
 
The case against Iva Toguri was flimsy at best. Something had to be done to strengthen it. So FBI agents in Tokyo rounded up all of those involved in the "Zero Hour" broadcasts and applied the kind of pressure that most any Japanese-American at the time could understand.
 
"We had no choice," Oki told me in 1976 after I had convinced him and Mitsushio to meet me in Tokyo. "The FBI and U.S. Occupation police told us we would have to testify against Iva or else they said Uncle Sam might arrange a trial for us too—or worse.  We were flown to San Francisco from Tokyo and along with other government witnesses, we were told what to say and what not to say two hours every morning for a month before the trial started.
 
"Even though I was a government witness against her, I can say today that Iva Toguri was innocent: she never did anything treasonable…she never said the words that got her convicted," Oki said. "It was all a lie. Iva never had a chance. And all I can say now is that I am truly sorry for my part in her conviction. I hope she can find it in her heart to forgive us."
 
My stories containing details of Oki and Mitsushio’s confession of perjury, as well as interviews with her former husband Phil d’Aquino and others who had worked with Iva on the Zero Hour, appeared in March 1976 and were carried around the world.
 
 On January 19, 1977, President Gerald Ford, in his last official act in office, granted Iva Toguri a full and unconditional pardon. While the historic pardon was an attempt to correct the injustice done to Iva Toguri, the individual, it also served to raise awareness of the unfair treatment Japanese-Americans received at the time from the federal and some state governments.
 
The fact Iva Toguri became the first person in American history to be pardoned following a treason conviction, speaks volumes about her own indomitable spirit and the determination of those who supported her crusade for justice, say leaders in the Japanese-American community.
 
Others say the pardon also says something about the deeply-ingrained sense of fair play that permeates American society and which manifests itself, albeit sometimes belatedly, in the media, the courts and, in Toguri's case, the White House.
 
July 4, 2006 marked Iva Toguri’s 90th birthday and for almost 65 of those 90 years she had to live with the myth that she was “Tokyo Rose.”  
 
Some vindication came in January 2006 in a quiet, private ceremony held in a restaurant on Chicago’s north side when Iva received the Edward J. Herlihy Citizenship Award from the World War II Veterans Committee. (Herlihy was a radio broadcaster who was known as the “Voice of WW II” for his narration of Universal Newsreels). It was a twist of irony not lost on those in attendance.
 
I was privileged to be one of those invited to the ceremony, along with members of Iva’s family and a handful of close friends like former CBS news anchor Bill Kurtis, who has known Iva since the late 1960s, and Hollywood producer Barbara Trembley, who is working to produce a major feature film about Iva and her struggles.
 
Iva pushed back tears as she accepted the award.
 
“This is such a great honor,” she said. “For so many years I wanted to be positive about this whole thing. I wanted to honor my father and my family. They believed in me through all the things that happened to me. I thank the World War II Veterans Committee for making this the most memorable day of my life.”
 
In 1991 Iva and I met in the same restaurant. She had invited me to dinner to thank me for the series of stories I had written that resulted in the Presidential pardon. Incredibly, even though Iva and I were linked by the stories I had written we had never met face to face.
 
"You know, if it hadn't been for your stories I never would have received my pardon," Iva told me. "I would still be a criminal. You started the ball rolling. And now, after all this time, I just want to say thank you. It’s long overdue."
 
I hadn't come to dinner in search of any recognition or thanks. I just wanted to meet the woman whose story had fascinated me years before and sent me on a search for the truth. I wanted finally to separate the woman from the myth; to detach Iva Toguri the person from "Tokyo Rose" the World War II caricature. I wanted to meet the woman that fertile G.I. imaginations had turned into some torrid kimono-clad Mata Hari.
 
The woman sitting across from me was certainly no Mata Hari. Here was a woman with kind eyes, a gracious smile and an admirable ability to put things into perspective.
 
"I've put all that behind me now," Iva said, speaking of her ordeals in wartime Tokyo, in San Francisco's federal court, and in prison.
 
"I'm only sorry that my father never lived to see me pardoned. He died in 1972. But he believed in me until the end.
 
"'I'm proud of you Iva,' he used to tell me. You were like a tiger...you never changed your stripes...you stayed American through and through.'”
 
"Am I bitter? No, what good does it do to be bitter?" Iva said. Then she thought for a moment. There were exceptions to that blanket forgiveness.
 
"In your stories Oki and Mitsushio asked for my forgiveness. But how could I ever forgive them for what they did to me?"
 
Both Oki and Mitsushio are dead now, as is Iva, who passed away in 2006 at the age of 90.
 
During one of our many meetings, Iva told me that her biggest wish was to have her story told accurately someday in a film or play. There have been a few books written—most of them unauthorized—about Iva’s ordeal, but they have done little to set the record straight.
 
“People tend to remember a story when it is dramatized and told in a theatrical way,” she said. “As for a book, I would like to tell my story in my own words.”
Iva may finally get her wish. A play about the Legend of Tokyo Rose is currently in the works and I plan to write a book using Iva’s first person narrative based on hundreds of hours of recorded interviews and my personal notes.
 
Finally, after years of disappointment and heartbreak, Iva’s story will be told the way she wanted it told—truthfully and conscientiously.
 
But most important, the Legend of Tokyo Rose will finally be put to rest along with other historical myths and deceptions such as Big Foot, the Piltdown man, and the Loch Ness Monster.
 
My only regret is that Iva will not be here to experience her vindication.

                                       Ronald E. Yates RWISA Author Page

​                                                                  The 136
                                                            by Michelle Abbott
​
I can do this. I can make it. Wet hair plastered to my head, gasping, I propel myself toward my target. The 136 bus. My heel catches on a crack in the pavement. My ankle twists sideways, sending a sharp pain up my leg. Wincing, I hobble towards the stop, just as the bus closes its doors and pulls away.

“Ahhh,” I scream in frustration.

“Here, use my umbrella.”

His voice startles me. I was so focused on catching the bus, I never noticed him until now. I must have had a serious case of tunnel vision, because he stands out a mile with his cornflower blue, spiky hair. He holds a large, black umbrella out to me.

Leaning against the post of the bus stop, to take the pressure off my throbbing ankle, I shake my head.

“Thank you, but you keep it.  I’m already wet, and it would be a shame to ruin your hair.”

He shrugs.  “It’s only hair. My umbrella is big enough for two.”

I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. Is he hitting on me? What’s wrong with the man? He looks twenty-five if he’s a day. I’m twice his age. Old enough to be his mother.

Mother.

I pick tendrils of damp hair from my forehead.

“I know what you must be thinking, but I’m just trying to do a good turn. You have nothing to fear from me, I promise.” He shelters us both with his umbrella. “You look like you’re having a bad day.”

As I listen to the rain split splat, I lean down to rub my sore ankle.

“Please let me help you.” He slips his arm through mine. “We can sit on that bench. We’ll be able to see the bus coming from there.”

With his assistance, I limp across to the empty, wooden bench that faces the road. “I just missed my bus; the next one won’t be along for an hour.” I sit down, past caring whether I get a wet spot on my skirt. “Are you waiting for a bus?”

He looks so calm, and serene.

“Yes, the 136.”

 “Oh no. You didn’t miss it because of me, did you?” I frown.

“I wasn’t running for it.” He gives me a kind smile. “I have all the time in the world.”

A car drives through a puddle, splashing dirty water onto the pavement.

“I’ve got no one to rush home to either.” Maybe it’s his kind smile, maybe I just need to off load. “My husband moved out last week, left me for a woman your age.”

I hope he feels every bit his fifty-four years every second he’s with her.

“I’m sorry.”

What has it come to when I’m sitting in a downpour, telling my sob story to a stranger with blue hair? “She’s all form and no substance. If his head was turned that easily, he’s no loss.” I hold out my hand. If I’m telling the poor man my life story, the least I should do is introduce myself. “My name’s Carol.” I look into his ice blue eyes, surprised by the wisdom I see there.

“Do you have children together, Carol?”

Babies.

I stare at my feet. My heel is scuffed, and my stockings are damp. “Two daughters, they’re both grown-up.”

“Nothing beats a mother’s love for her children.” He reaches into the pocket of his long black coat, and pulls out a pack of mints. “Would you like one?”

We sit in silence, sucking on mints. The sky turns orange as the sun sets. I pull my jacket around me to keep out the chill. Behind us, a shop owner pulls down the metal security shutters of his store.

I’m curious to know more about this man, who claims he has all the time in the world. “It will be late when you get home. Do you have someone, or do you live alone?”

The street lamps come on. I watch the reflection of the light in the puddles.

“I have a loving family.”

Family.

In this moment, I feel so alone. Tears mingle with the raindrops on my cheeks. “I’m pregnant.”

The events of last week replay in my mind. Me, feeling sick every morning. Me, looking at the blue line on the pregnancy test. Me, buying a second test that gave me the same result.

“How does something like this happen to a woman my age? I’m going through the menopause; I haven’t had a period in a year. How can I be pregnant? How? Why? Why did this happen when my husband has left me?”

“What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” He rests his hand on my shoulder.

“That was my mother’s favourite saying.” I wipe my cheeks. “She passed away five years ago.”

He hands me a tissue. “I’m certain she’s watching over you, and that you make her proud.”

“Pregnant at fifty-one.” I blow into the tissue. “I’m sure she’s delighted.” I let out a hollow laugh.

“How old were you when you had your daughters?”

“I was twenty-two when I had Patricia. Diane came along when I was twenty-five.”

“You learn as you go with your first, don’t you?”

For the first time I smile. “Yes, I was clueless. None of the classes prepare you for being a mother. You hold the life of your child in your hands. It’s so much responsibility.” I turn to face him. “Do you have children?”

He shakes his head. “I’m sure you know more about parenting now, than you did then.”

“Yes I do.”

“It’s hard when you’re young isn’t it? You’re trying to make your way up the career ladder. Struggling to save for a home.”

I nod.

“Those things get easier as you get older, don’t they?”

“Yes they do.” I’m on a good wage. I own a spacious home in a good area.

“You have more time, more understanding, and more patience.”

I nod.

“And you’re wiser. You know what really matters.”

I let out a laugh. “You make being old sound wonderful.” He really does.

He raises an eyebrow. “Isn’t it?”

I recall my childhood, how I hated having to do as I was told. How I would get upset at the smallest things. I remember my angst filled teenage years, being unhappy with my appearance. The heartbreak when the boys I thought I loved dumped me. I have a vivid memory of how stressful early parenthood was.

I study him. “You’re wise for someone so young.”

“Am I?”

The rain has stopped. He collapses his umbrella.

“Nothing is ever as bad as it seems, Carol. A child is a gift. A new start. Someone to love.”

​Someone to love. A new start.

I sit up straighter. He’s right. I can do this. I have a nice home, money, and a heart full of love.

“Oh look, here’s your bus.”

Already? Have we been talking for an hour? I glance at my watch. Only twenty minutes have passed. The brakes of the bus screech as it pulls up.

As I root in my purse for my fare, I hear him say, “I’m glad I could help.”

“Let’s sit together.” I glance behind me. “I want to thank...” The words die in my throat. No one is there. I look left and right, but the street is empty. Goosebumps spread across my skin.

“Are you getting on love?” the driver calls.

          ​Since I was a child, I’ve been haunted by the big questions of life that usually begin with WHY? I couldn’t understand suffering, for example. It seemed to befall friends and family indiscriminately and leave a terrifying wake. I’d cry before crucifixes and look to the heavens for answers. But, mostly, I found only more tears.

Reading Suzanne Burke’s book, Empty Chairs, brought me back to my youthful pleas. And, yes, I cried again – deep, wrenching tears.

I don’t know if any book has touched me as deeply as this book. It isn’t perfectly written, but the story is masterfully told. What do I mean? There are typos, there are misspellings, but the writing is so powerful that it takes the reader into the soul of a little child who is horribly mistreated.

Australian author Suzanne Burke writes about her experience of unspeakable abuse from very early childhood until she finally escapes to the streets at age eleven. From the perspective of a toddler and through years of horror, the reader experiences the pain and the confusion that accompanies unspeakable violation. Terror becomes real.

Why read this book? It is a testimony to the human spirit – to that which can destroy and to that which can defy such debasement and emerge whole and loving.

I am reminded of the words of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths.” Empty Chairs is about such a journey, and Suzanne Burke is one of those “beautiful people.” 

​Today's tragic events at a baseball practice in Virginia prompt a reflection on violence - violent words and violent actions. It's a topic most of us would like to ignore, but sadly, we cannot because we are its victims. 

​                                                             ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~

           My country, the United States of America, is armed. Not just the South, as Northerners like to imagine. Not just the inner cities, as suburban folks might suggest. The entire country is armed – from New York to Florida, from Chicago to the Gulf States, from Seattle to Arizona. But, why?

Are we all afraid of the drug dealers down the street or the thieves who prey on innocents? Why are we armed? I suspect that the real reason we are armed is because of the precipice at which we stand - the chasm of failed trust.

We’ve suffered through a very contentious election process. If it weren’t battering enough to listen to months of ugliness, we now deal with post-election nastiness - which erupted today in the cowardly shooting of unarmed people. 

As a person who has experienced violence up close and personal, who has known diminishment because of my gender, who has been ridiculed because of what I believe, I know what it is to be considered valueless. But I also know what it takes to face that abyss straight on. 

My heroes, those who accompany me through life, are Harriett Tubman and Martin Luther King, Jr, Nelson Mandela and Bishop Tutu. They walked a path marked by courage, choosing non-violence over hate, as they traveled into the heart of conflict and sorrow. Their path is one I believe we need to embrace.

We see the evidence and surely we must know that a choice for violence in words or deeds is a choice to destroy. The rhetoric defending such actions moves me not. I may be old and foolish, but I believe we each can summon the courage to bridge the divide, to restore trust in humankind. 

You and I ultimately hold the possibility of hope for our country, for our world. Plato's words "Always be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle," get to the heart of the problem.  If we find ourselves hating someone or someones, we need to pause, because hate unraveled reveals a hurting heart. 

I care about our country – profoundly. I care about my loved ones – profoundly. I care about our beautiful earth – profoundly. And, I know that all that I love, all that I care about, teeters on your choice and mine. 

If we could summon the courage to attend to our hurting hearts, would we still feel the need to lash out in word or deed to blame another for our misery? ​I wonder, don't you?

In just a week, it will be Valentine’s Day. For Hallmark Cards, online and local flower stores, and all vendors of chocolate, this is the day for trumpeting Love – new love, old love, healed love, remembered love. It is a time when hopes and memories meet at the hearth of life, and emerge either invigorated or scorched.

For Jan Sikes, an award-winning author, screenwriter and songwriter, love is the heart of life. She learned this the hard way, after her fiancé was incarcerated for 15 years for a crime he did not commit. When he was finally released, they married and began the difficult journey of creating a life together. Music was integral to their relationship and livelihood, and remained so until her husband passed away in 2009.

Jan has written a four-book series about her one love, Rick Sikes. In the books, she refers to Rick as "Luke" and herself as "Darlena." It was easier for Jan to write about their love through fictional names.

​The books follow the stages of their relationship. Flowers and Stone is set in raucous Texas honkytonks where Rick sang and played his guitar. The Convict and the Rose chronicles the time behind bars in Leavenworth Penitentiary. Home at Last captures the years after Rick was released from prison, and Till Death Do Us Part brings the reader to Rick’s final goodbye.

Jan is a friend and fellow member of the RAVE REVIEWS BOOK CLUB. Because of Valentine's Day, she is offering a special promotion of Home at Last, during the week of February 12th through February 15th. It will be FREE on Amazon during that time. Having read the book myself, I can confidently say that you will thoroughly enjoy and be inspired by it. The hard-earned lessons, the bits and pieces of wisdom, and the deep and enduring love between the two will pull at your heartstrings. Jan and Rick are wonderful examples of love that has withstood the harshest challenges.

If you are looking for something to read this next week, I invite you to consider a real Texas love story. It will warm your heart and fill your senses. The YouTube trailer below features their music as well as offers a glimpse of the story - enjoy.  

Jan's contact information:
Website: http://www.jansikes.com/  
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jansmith.sikes  
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/rijanjks   
Blog: http://www.rijanjks.wordpress.com

     Last week we joined friends for a local performance of It’s a Wonderful Life. I can’t count the number of times I’ve watched this film or seen the play, but this year one particular line struck me.

​Clarence the angel says, “Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole...”

It’s been quite a year, hasn’t it? I suspect all of us have experienced the hole that Clarence refers to. In looking back across the months, to the friends and family members who are no longer with us, it can indeed seem awful.

Collectively, we’ve felt this absence through the leave-taking of several public figures, three of whom I write of today.  

Elie Wiesel (1928-2016) helped us remember, that which we want to forget. In his efforts, he taught us that in remembering, we grow in our humanity. The tenuous balance between good and evil tipped towards greatness through his efforts. We are better because of him.

Gwen Ifill (1955-2016) spoke her truth unflinchingly. Her love of justice and her unquestionable grace put the spotlight on the shadows of life and helped us do the same. Like Wiesel, we are better because of her.  

Leonard Cohen (1934-2016) reached into the closed areas of our soul and sang a Hallelujah that evoked our tears. His songs gave voice to that which swarms our hearts and colors our dreams. Like Wiesel and Ifill, we are better because of him.

There are days when we might wonder why we are here, or if there is anything we can offer. At times like this, think about these three individuals. One lived through the worst of human history and simply asked us to remember; another embraced her role as journalist and shared the importance of speaking our truth; and a third dared to let his heart sing and invited us to do the same. Their gifts are our own. We all can remember, we all can speak our truth, and we all can let our hearts sing.

During this time of miracles, when angels dance across the stages of our schools and theatres, when reindeers fly across the heavens, and Santa comes down the chimney, during this season of hope when the supernatural becomes the natural, I embrace the wonder of you. For I know that someday all too soon, a hole will appear where you once held me - by simply being beautiful you.